Grudges and Forgiveness: The Impact on Mental Health

Journalist Meredith Lepore has candidly expressed her tendency to hold grudges, which can last for several years. An incident twelve years ago, where friends did not include her much in organizing a bachelorette party, left a lasting impression on her. Lepore felt there were too many people involved, and her role was minimized. As a result, she stopped planning such events.

Another instance involved a roommate who reprimanded her after she accidentally locked herself out of their apartment. While Lepore says she could have a drink with her former roommate, she wouldn’t consider her a friend. The most significant grudge Lepore mentions involves a birthday cake from college days. Her parents sent her a cake, which vanished overnight. The next day, it became known that a boy had taken it and bragged about his actions. Lepore admits holding onto that resentment for a long time but feels she has finally let it go.

Lepore believes her grudge-holding habit is inherited, as her father reportedly held grudges too. She attributes her tendency to her sensitive nature, noting that some people are better at letting go than she is. The phenomenon of grudges is widespread. Research indicates that 78% of adults hold at least one grudge, with individuals averaging about seven grudges simultaneously.

Psychotherapist Nancy Colier, author of the forthcoming book “Narratives: Let Go of the Stories That Keep You Stuck,” encounters clients clinging to minor grievances daily. Some grudges can become deep-seated, evolving into toxic memories over decades. Colier compares holding onto a grudge to hurting oneself in hopes of affecting another. The act is counterproductive, as the only harm inflicted is on oneself.

An expert in epidemiology at Harvard, Tyler VanderWeele, equates unforgiveness with self-poisoning. Grudges, whether short-lived or long-term, can negatively impact health, increasing risks for cardiovascular issues, depression, and anxiety. VanderWeele underscores the cultural shift toward public expressions of resentment, spurred by social media, and the diminished focus on character and ethics.

Political figures frequently express their grudges openly, with Colier describing it as childish behavior. She suggests the solution to grudge-holding lies in forgiveness, urging individuals to replace ill feelings with goodwill; this approach doesn’t solve all conflicts but is a necessary step toward healing.

Author Immaculée Ilibagiza exemplifies forgiveness’s strength, having survived the Rwandan genocide while losing most of her family. Ilibagiza initially grappled with anger toward God but realized her rage was self-destructive. She considers anger a sickness, linking it to an unhealthy attachment to one’s enemies. Now, Ilibagiza advocates for forgiveness worldwide, sharing her journey to underscore its liberating effect.

VanderWeele notes how profound examples like Ilibagiza’s illustrate forgiveness’s potential to set individuals free. Colier warns against relying on others to change as a solution, advising people to take control of their well-being by detaching from grudges. Letting go is the path to achieving personal peace and balance.