Navigating Complex Relationships with Boundaries

Relationships can often present dilemmas that require thoughtful consideration. You might face challenges when dealing with family health issues, feeling unfulfilled in a long-term marriage, or managing a friendship with unpredictable dynamics. These scenarios are the focus of KC Davis’s book, Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen or End Any Relationship. Published earlier this year, it provides actionable advice for navigating difficult relationships.

The Relationship Decision Tree

Davis introduces a tool called the “Relationship Decision Tree”. This flowchart consists of questions she often poses to clients when they find themselves troubled by someone’s behavior. It aims to guide individuals in deciding whether to engage more in a relationship or step back.

Questions for Self-Reflection

Why is this behavior objectionable to you?

Understanding why a person’s behavior is bothersome is essential. Often, the irritations are multilayered. Identify whether an action is merely annoying or genuinely harmful. For example, if a roommate neglects chores, ask yourself how this impacts you. Are the unwashed dishes simply unpleasant, or do they pose a real issue, like attracting pests?

Are they willing to change?

Dialogue is crucial when resolving issues with others. Determine if the person is open to changing their behavior. Collaborate on finding a resolution. If chores are the concern, consider compromises like alternating cleaning duties.

Does staying in this relationship violate my values?

Your core values, such as physical and psychological safety for you and those dependent on you, should always be upheld. A relationship that compromises these values deserves reevaluation.

Would leaving this relationship violate my values?

Even if staying doesn’t clash with your values, consider what you owe the relationship. The length and nature of your relationship can influence this decision. For instance, missing a lunch with a friend may not be significant, whereas the same occurrence with a close family member might require a different response.

If I want to disengage, what could that look like?

When disengaging aligns with your values, tailor the approach to the relationship. Disengaging from a marriage might involve divorce or redefined co-parenting. Family disengagement could mean reduced contact or only meeting on special occasions.

For friendships, staying in shared social circles while avoiding one-on-one interactions might be suitable. Remember, stepping back isn’t always final; you can reassess as you prioritize your wellbeing.

If I want to maintain the relationship, how could I do so with boundaries?

Choosing to remain in a relationship necessitates setting boundaries for self-protection. For instance, if your father with dementia is verbally abusive, visit him but ensure you debrief with a trusted confidante afterward. In marriages, boundaries might involve hiring help to ease household burdens instead of pushing your partner to change.

The key is to focus on maintaining your wellbeing without necessarily expecting others to change.

If intimate partner violence is a concern, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. For feedback on this story, reach out to Life Kit via voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email at [email protected]. Follow the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or subscribe to the newsletter for updates. Stay connected through Instagram at @nprlifekit.